I’m in a bit of a rut but somehow I feel a lot more motivated than I have been recently, possibly spurred on by the fact that I have been riding my bike a butt-tonne.
I just can’t stop thinking about Melbourne. I want to be there already. It’s not that the entirety of Brisbane is killing me. The people I know are awesome, clearly, but most of them will migrate elsewhere eventually. Brisbane cannot contain the likes of us artists.
Sometimes I will go for a walk or a bike ride, maybe venture in to the city, and as happy and polite as I may seem I still get the same indifferent disgust. In some way I understand where they are coming from, if I was never exposed to an alternative lifestyle I might feel the same way; but then it gets to the point where people shove me, sneer at me, shake their heads and walk away. It takes a lot of balls to be like this, you know, and I want to be somewhere where that is recognized.
It seems like I am perpetually living in twilight at the moment, which is good and bad in itself. Perpetually applying for jobs and perpetually feeling bad for not having any money.
And on another tangent, I keep having dreams about a particular ex-boyfriend. It’s never longing, I have not longed for him since I said goodbye but more or less, some dreams we will be friends again (which kind of hurts upon awaking) and other dreams he will, quite literally, kill me. My inner self loves to bring up memories and construe them in to “messages”, it’s annoying, I am sick of seeing his face in my dreams.
Good news though! I have received offers of interest for my artwork and I appear to have lost a little weight. Everything will be on the up and up eventually, I am just glad I am in a well-enough frame of mind to sieve through the bullshit currently.